Sunday, July 5, 2009

Better. Stronger. Faster.

God bless Lee Majors. He has brought such joy to my life. I have an uncle that is a stuntman who moonlights as a bounty hunter, and he says Lee Majors performance as Colt Seavers is the most accurate portrayal of his profession that he has ever seen. And who can forget Col. Steve Austin, who, as far as I can tell, never asked to be robotically enhanced. Nevertheless, he took on his newly appointed responsibilities with such vigor and finesse that, as a child, I sometimes thought of entering the space program in hopes that I would fall victim to some celestial experiment gone-wrong that would force the government to ante up six million dollars (1970's money) to reassemble what was left of me. And as a "thank you" for saving my life I would be indentured to the American government, tirelessly chasing badguys and bigfoots, never more than a bionic earshot away from the beckoned call of Oscar Goldman.

Today I was watching the history channel and I saw the following commercial. I can only assume Lee Majors is Broke.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Captain Chaos has joined Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing.

My heart feels like these masks tonight. Empty.

Look, I'm not going to sit here and blow smoke up your ass and pretend that Dom DeLuise got the respect he deserved. Nor am I going to say Dom DeLuise was nothing more than Burt Reynolds' punching bag. So what if some of his funniest work happened to be pulled out of the trash can sitting next to Hal Needham's Steenbeck. The man did for end credit outtakes what Hitler did for antisemitism. He was just that good.

Dom DeLuise was hilarious in the small parts he did throughout his career (Blazing Saddles), but he was never as good as when he worked with Burt Reynolds. Movie folk like to throw around the term "chemistry," but that doesn't apply to Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise. To say they had chemistry would mean they were going for something beyond just showing up for work. The great thing is when they showed up for work comedy gold was forged. Burt and Dom simply liked each other and it showed when they were on screen together. Neither one of them could give a shit less what the audience thought, they were just having fun. And let's face it, Burt Reynolds is not a naturally gifted comedian; all he did from about 1975 to around 1983 was recite his lines and look pretty. His best comedic gag was looking at the camera and smiling. Don't get me wrong, it worked, and I, like millions of other people, fucking ate it up. However, if you added (and Hal Needham, in all his unpretentious genius, recognized this) a tablespoon of Dom DeLuise, it was as good as, if not better than, three car crashes or five explosions. Burt needed Dom to make him funny.

I miss Dom DeLuise. I miss him not only because he and Burt Reynolds made me laugh, but because I fear his legacy of unprofessional ridiculousness may be lost forever. Can anyone fill his shoes?

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Great Character Actors: Micheal Ironside.

When the Devil made Micheal Ironside he thrust his mighty saber toward the sky and spake in a commanding voice these words: "WITH THIS SWORD, SMELTED IN BLACKEST NIGHT, I SHALL FORGE THE ULTIMATE EIGHTIES ANTAGONIST. HE SHALL BE BORN OF THE JACKAL AND NOURISHED BY THE GOATS TEET!" and at that very moment a blinding streak of magenta colored lightening burst forth from the tip of Satan's blade, after which he said: "GIVE HIM THE MENACING EYEBROWS OF JACK NICHOLSON, THE INTENSE LINE READINGS OF JASON PATRICK, AND THE VOICE OF A GUY WHO DRINKS COFFEE AND SMOKES LUCKY STRIKE NON-FILTERS EIGHTEEN HOURS A DAY, AND YAY SHALL THE CUTTING EDGE OF BADASSERY BE BORN" And with these words a small opening in the space time continuum was made in front of Mann's Chinese theater and a 45 year old man was birthed from it's womb. He arose and walked naked down the street until he met up with some shadey Bill Paxton looking bikers, of which he murdered with his bear hands and took their clothes. After that he went to several open auditions in the area and procured an agent.

Micheal Ironside is equipped with three special powers. first, he has the ability to create any type of scar on his face depending on the what the role calls for. Over the eye, down the cheek, a little forehead cut, you name Micheal Ironside can do it. Secondly, he can make any shirt look tough. This is mainly done by removing the collar, but leather and angles can also be used. Finally and most importantly he can only be killed by the lead actor. If you didn't make at least 20 million dollars in box office revenue last year THEN STAY AWAY FROM HIM. HE WILL KILL YOU.

Micheal Ironside is only loyal to the highest bidder.

When homicide investigators are looking at one of Micheal Ironside's victims at a crime scene they say things like "Damn...these cuts are precise...he knew just how to disable his victim." or "Jesus, this guy took his time." or "Whoever this guy is he's a pro."

Micheal Ironside's movies are only available on VHS tapes that were recorded from late night cable television around 1988. The tapes can only be viewed with VCRs that have a broken tracking button on a tube television. This is done to preserve the integrity of Micheal Ironside's work.

To find these and other interesting facts about Micheal Ironside visit your local library or send a SASE to:

Micheal Ironside Fun Facts, inc.
2284 Nathan Ln.
Boulder, CO 80301

Monday, February 23, 2009

My own personal universe.

The Universe. What does it mean? Man will never know.

I recently (read: today) obtained a book from my local lending library outlining all the wonders and beautifulness of the universe entitled Universe: The Definitive Visual Guide. The universe's tell-all memoir about the numero uno place where everything that physically exists exists.

But Stan I remember reading somewhere that there could be as many as several universes in existence. So what makes this one so special?

Excellent question.

I have compiled a short list of why our universe is so special based on scientific facts gathered from my research using the illustrated book mentioned above:

1) The universe was decorated by God. That's right the universe is Gods Christmas tree. A big gaudy spectacle of lights and spherical ornaments arranged in such a way as to evoke awe and wonder in even the most hard hearted of celestial scrooges. Not to mention it contains the milky way. Mmm...Sounds delicious.

2) It contains space. How badass is space? Nobody can argue with that one.

3) The universe is so big that not even a Galapagos tortoise could make it to the other side before it died. Now that's big.

4) Jesus lived here for nearly 34 years. They wrote a book about it. It was called the Totally new Adventures of Jesus Christ.

5) When something can do anything they say it's universal. Think about it.

6) America is located here and America is like a really arrogant shark in captivity that would only thrive in the most technologically advanced universe available. If the universe was not the most ideal environment in, well, the universe, America would die.

And that's about it. I just want to give a big shout out to Issac Newton for inventing Math and Urbain Le Verrier for discovering irregularities in Uranus. Peace.

Urbain Le Verrier

Friday, February 20, 2009

I'm phoning it in.

I feel disgusting. Disgustingly sick that is. I don't feel like writing anything but I have to keep up with Pat in my blogging.

So here's two videos:

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Duty now for the future!

I look forward to the day when robots walk among us. I felt a little let down when the year 2000 came and we were still doing our own math homework and driving around on street level. Where the hell are the robot controlled rocket cars? Where the hell are the R.E.L.E.C s (Robotically Enhanced Law Enforcement Canines)? I propose we put some of that stimulus money to work building robots to murder our enemies and give us massages. Put Americans to work Mr. Obama! We need a government funded Robotics industry!

and as far as our robot slaves go...

We need more of this:

And less of this:

Note: The Robin Williams personality chip will be optional.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Great character actors: Brian Dennehy

What can I say, I love Brian Dennehy. Being a child of the eighties Brian Dennehy had a way of popping up in so many movies I enjoyed in those impressionable years. As far as character actors go he's tops in my book. An actor's actor with over a 150 movies and television shows to his credit, not to mention his producing and directing work. He has a comfort on screen that you rarely see; a true professional.

Brian Dennehy has always seemed to me to be the working mans actor, The kind of guy who works in Hollywood but doesn't live there. I remember watching something with Patton Oswalt one time where he told this anecdote about working with Brian Dennehey on Ratatouille. As I remember it they were at the Cannes film festival for the premiere of the film. There was this table filled with all these delicious foods at the after party and all these A-list Hollywood types weren't touching any of it, so he just went up there by himself and started piling the food on a plate. As he was doing this Dennehy comes up behind him with a big plate of food and in a booming voice says, "We're character actors, so nobody cares if we're fat. Hell, somebody's got to play the neighbor." What a badass.

I don't really have a favorite Dennehy movie. I think the first time I ever saw him was in First Blood, playing the asshole sheriff intent on running John Rambo out of town. Or the asshole sheriff in Silverado. Or the asshole in Never Cry Wolf. He's good at playing an asshole. But let's not forget his softer side as the touchy-feely alien in Cocoon, or Big Tom in Tommy Boy. The man has range.

Hopefully we'll get plenty of Dennehy for years to come but lets not forget those moments on and off screen that made him the legend he is.

By the way, disregard the second half of this first video unless you're a huge Bruce Vilanch fan.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Luther Burger and more...

Thanks to my buddy Matt I have discovered the coveted recipe for the Twitty burger, the headlining burger at the late Conway Twitty's now defunct restaurant chain. You can get a gander at the recipe from the comments section of the last post or you can go here.

Now I know I'm a little behind the curve on this one, but another burger which has laid heavy on my mind and stomach is the Luther Burger. Legend has it that the Luther Burger got its name because it was a favorite of, and invented by, Luther Vandross. The Luther Burger consists of one all beef patty, a slice of sharp cheddar cheese, two strips of bacon, and two glazed Krispy Kreme dounuts for buns. This monstrosity of a cheeseburger has quite a following on the web due to its sheer culinary audacity. The Luther Burger laughs at adversity and shouts a hearty "fuck you" to the American Heart Association as it lays waste to your circulatory system. I myself have never had a Luther Burger, but have decided when I do I'm going to take it to the next level and do it Paula Deen style.

Next week in our ongoing burger series we discuss the origins and criticisms of the Hamdog.

Take it away Conway:

An all-star salute to the cheeseburger.

Well the results are in, the cheeseburger is the official food of Stan Matthews℠. Two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce- cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed bun minus everything but the cheese and all beef patties (two are optional).

I always knew I had an unsettling love for cow meat, but had tricked myself into thinking that the finest in bovine gastronomy was the over-rated and over-priced steak. The symbol of accomplishment to be consumed by the cigar chomping executive eager to show his status at the country club over a bloody porterhouse and a couple of whiskey sours.

Sure steak is delicious, God knows I've had some great steaks (I'm looking in your general direction Schwarz), but it's blue collar brother is the real winner when it comes to diversity and tastiness. The perfect marriage of cheese and meat mixed with the condiments of your choice, all sandwiched between two thick pieces of bread. That's the way beef was supposed to be enjoyed. End of story.

Let's not forget however, that all cheeseburgers are NOT created equal:

Monday, February 16, 2009

Adrian's new lease on life.

Well, it's official, Adrian got the hydrophobia...sort of. I hired a little gypsy boy and his family to look after her until she had to be put down. I gave them a little extra to do that.
Hell, how was I to know that the boy couldn't aim for shit and ending up splitting her ribs, narrowly missing any vital organs. Well it all worked out for the best because as it turns out Adrian didn't have rabies at all but was re-diagnosed with a benign fatty tumor in her side that was easily removed. Lisa saved it in a jar but I was completely disgusted so she threw it away.

As for the gypsy boy and his family, they split for the coast after they found out about the diagnosis; I guess they were afraid I would sue, but I managed to get a local improv group to re-enact the entire incident for your viewing pleasure. so here it is:

Behind closed doors this guy is a super scientist.

I give you two photographs...

Charlie Rich and Jor-El.

I want answers.