Now innocence and tyranny have many faces. For instance, in the case of Dusty Rhodes, tyranny wore a Rolex watch, Aviator sunglasses and a beautiful helmet of golden locks flowing like the river Nile after being urinated in by King Midas. While on the other end of the spectrum innocence was represented by a three hundred pound African American woman donning polka dot spandex and answering to the name of a precious stone. These were indeed strange times. A perfect time for Dusty Rhodes.
But how is it that such a hero could excel to such great levels in our nations wrestling alliance, strategically located in the deepest part of the South Eastern United States, and never conquer the lesser known, and certainly lesser admired, world of America's Hollywood? That is a question left to scholars and fools. Scholar Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, while lecturing on a colleague's signature eye poke finishing move, stated that "Rowdy" Roddy Piper had "More hits than Elvis." Well, the same could be said for his film career. Do I even need to bring up Mr. Piper's magnum opus "Hell Comes to Frogtown?" Of course not, we've all seen it. Then why is it that a man with twice the charm and style of a young Terry Hogan never got his shot at the silver screen? Again, only a fool would try to answer.
But enough about what should have been. Here now, I wish to list the roles that were given to The Dream In a alternate timeline. The character actor who should have enriched our childhoods. A man with the range and charisma of a cheetah festooned with gamma radiation, who in turn is bitten by a radioactive Tom Hanks. Yeah, he would have been that good.
Dusty Rhodes' fake IMDB acting resume:
- Redneck Sheriff
- Redneck Deputy
- Redneck Police Officer
- Wise line cook at greasy spoon
- Salt-of-the-earth moonshiner
- Guest star on a "In The Heat of The Night" episode
- Anyone in a Hal Needham movie
- Gator wrangler in Syfy original movie
- CB radio repairman
- Guy with less than six lines in "No Holds Barred"
- Main thug who works for main bad guy/ Roles Terry Funk's agent passed over
- Drunkard in made-for-T.V. western that is NOT "Lonesome Dove"
- Truck Driver #4 in the "calling all truck drivers" scene in truck driving movie
- Pit chief
- Fisherman in boat who's boat overturns when hijinks ensue
- Honkey Tonk patron
- Man with shotgun
- Guy who gives small speech at union rally
- Sassy informant
- Tough yet sassy bar owner being pushed out of business by the mob (ends up dead)
- Texas oil baron in teen sex comedy