Better. Stronger. Faster.

God bless Lee Majors. He has brought such joy to my life. I have an uncle that is a stuntman who moonlights as a bounty hunter, and he says Lee Majors performance as Colt Seavers is the most accurate portrayal of his profession that he has ever seen. And who can forget Col. Steve Austin, who, as far as I can tell, never asked to be robotically enhanced. Nevertheless, he took on his newly appointed responsibilities with such vigor and finesse that, as a child, I sometimes thought of entering the space program in hopes that I would fall victim to some celestial experiment gone-wrong that would force the government to ante up six million dollars (1970's money) to reassemble what was left of me. And as a "thank you" for saving my life I would be indentured to the American government, tirelessly chasing badguys and bigfoots, never more than a bionic earshot away from the beckoned call of Oscar Goldman.

Today I was watching the history channel and I saw the following commercial. I can only assume Lee Majors is Broke.

Captain Chaos has joined Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing.

My heart feels like these masks tonight. Empty.

Look, I'm not going to sit here and blow smoke up your ass and pretend that Dom DeLuise got the respect he deserved. Nor am I going to say Dom DeLuise was nothing more than Burt Reynolds' punching bag. So what if some of his funniest work happened to be pulled out of the trash can sitting next to Hal Needham's Steenbeck. The man did for end credit outtakes what Hitler did for antisemitism. He was just that good.

Dom DeLuise was hilarious in the small parts he did throughout his career (Blazing Saddles), but he was never as good as when he worked with Burt Reynolds. Movie folk like to throw around the term "chemistry," but that doesn't apply to Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise. To say they had chemistry would mean they were going for something beyond just showing up for work. The great thing is when they showed up for work comedy gold was forged. Burt and Dom simply liked each other and it showed when they were on screen together. Neither one of them could give a shit less what the audience thought, they were just having fun. And let's face it, Burt Reynolds is not a naturally gifted comedian; all he did from about 1975 to around 1983 was recite his lines and look pretty. His best comedic gag was looking at the camera and smiling. Don't get me wrong, it worked, and I, like millions of other people, fucking ate it up. However, if you added (and Hal Needham, in all his unpretentious genius, recognized this) a tablespoon of Dom DeLuise, it was as good as, if not better than, three car crashes or five explosions. Burt needed Dom to make him funny.

I miss Dom DeLuise. I miss him not only because he and Burt Reynolds made me laugh, but because I fear his legacy of unprofessional ridiculousness may be lost forever. Can anyone fill his shoes?

Great Character Actors: Micheal Ironside.

When the Devil made Micheal Ironside he thrust his mighty saber toward the sky and spake in a commanding voice these words: "WITH THIS SWORD, SMELTED IN BLACKEST NIGHT, I SHALL FORGE THE ULTIMATE EIGHTIES ANTAGONIST. HE SHALL BE BORN OF THE JACKAL AND NOURISHED BY THE GOATS TEET!" and at that very moment a blinding streak of magenta colored lightening burst forth from the tip of Satan's blade, after which he said: "GIVE HIM THE MENACING EYEBROWS OF JACK NICHOLSON, THE INTENSE LINE READINGS OF JASON PATRICK, AND THE VOICE OF A GUY WHO DRINKS COFFEE AND SMOKES LUCKY STRIKE NON-FILTERS EIGHTEEN HOURS A DAY, AND YAY SHALL THE CUTTING EDGE OF BADASSERY BE BORN" And with these words a small opening in the space time continuum was made in front of Mann's Chinese theater and a 45 year old man was birthed from it's womb. He arose and walked naked down the street until he met up with some shadey Bill Paxton looking bikers, of which he murdered with his bear hands and took their clothes. After that he went to several open auditions in the area and procured an agent.

Micheal Ironside is equipped with three special powers. first, he has the ability to create any type of scar on his face depending on the what the role calls for. Over the eye, down the cheek, a little forehead cut, you name Micheal Ironside can do it. Secondly, he can make any shirt look tough. This is mainly done by removing the collar, but leather and angles can also be used. Finally and most importantly he can only be killed by the lead actor. If you didn't make at least 20 million dollars in box office revenue last year THEN STAY AWAY FROM HIM. HE WILL KILL YOU.

Micheal Ironside is only loyal to the highest bidder.

When homicide investigators are looking at one of Micheal Ironside's victims at a crime scene they say things like "Damn...these cuts are precise...he knew just how to disable his victim." or "Jesus, this guy took his time." or "Whoever this guy is he's a pro."

Micheal Ironside's movies are only available on VHS tapes that were recorded from late night cable television around 1988. The tapes can only be viewed with VCRs that have a broken tracking button on a tube television. This is done to preserve the integrity of Micheal Ironside's work.

To find these and other interesting facts about Micheal Ironside visit your local library or send a SASE to:

Micheal Ironside Fun Facts, inc.
2284 Nathan Ln.
Boulder, CO 80301