Saturday, February 28, 2009
Great Character Actors: Micheal Ironside.
When the Devil made Micheal Ironside he thrust his mighty saber toward the sky and spake in a commanding voice these words: "WITH THIS SWORD, SMELTED IN BLACKEST NIGHT, I SHALL FORGE THE ULTIMATE EIGHTIES ANTAGONIST. HE SHALL BE BORN OF THE JACKAL AND NOURISHED BY THE GOATS TEET!" and at that very moment a blinding streak of magenta colored lightening burst forth from the tip of Satan's blade, after which he said: "GIVE HIM THE MENACING EYEBROWS OF JACK NICHOLSON, THE INTENSE LINE READINGS OF JASON PATRICK, AND THE VOICE OF A GUY WHO DRINKS COFFEE AND SMOKES LUCKY STRIKE NON-FILTERS EIGHTEEN HOURS A DAY, AND YAY SHALL THE CUTTING EDGE OF BADASSERY BE BORN" And with these words a small opening in the space time continuum was made in front of Mann's Chinese theater and a 45 year old man was birthed from it's womb. He arose and walked naked down the street until he met up with some shadey Bill Paxton looking bikers, of which he murdered with his bear hands and took their clothes. After that he went to several open auditions in the area and procured an agent.
Micheal Ironside is equipped with three special powers. first, he has the ability to create any type of scar on his face depending on the what the role calls for. Over the eye, down the cheek, a little forehead cut, you name Micheal Ironside can do it. Secondly, he can make any shirt look tough. This is mainly done by removing the collar, but leather and angles can also be used. Finally and most importantly he can only be killed by the lead actor. If you didn't make at least 20 million dollars in box office revenue last year THEN STAY AWAY FROM HIM. HE WILL KILL YOU.
Micheal Ironside is only loyal to the highest bidder.
When homicide investigators are looking at one of Micheal Ironside's victims at a crime scene they say things like "Damn...these cuts are precise...he knew just how to disable his victim." or "Jesus, this guy took his time." or "Whoever this guy is he's a pro."
Micheal Ironside's movies are only available on VHS tapes that were recorded from late night cable television around 1988. The tapes can only be viewed with VCRs that have a broken tracking button on a tube television. This is done to preserve the integrity of Micheal Ironside's work.
To find these and other interesting facts about Micheal Ironside visit your local library or send a SASE to:
Micheal Ironside Fun Facts, inc.
2284 Nathan Ln.
Boulder, CO 80301